21 June 2016

Self acceptance

Self acceptance - heavy words. You go to Emma Watson's Facebook page and look at all the compliments she gets. She is described as a triple threat - someone with intellect, compassion and physical beauty. Not to miss, successful. Not one person has to say a bad thing about her. It is quite amazing that men and women of almost every age adore her. She is compared to the Kardashians and how if every girl were to inculcate the values Watson has and advocates for, the world would truly be a better place. How must it feel to receive unbound appreciation and admiration? Then I think about myself. I just had a spat with a room mate because I think she is annoying and she thinks I'm anal, which I am. I hate where I live, go to grad school and badly need a job. Enough said. So not the best combination of things. Pretty much everything as far as I can see is not going my way and I know I'm not a pessimist. I'm not a complete optimist either. May be a realist? I try to think of all the things that could go wrong and mentally prepare for them, but don't let them dominate my thoughts. So coming back to the point about self acceptance. I know not everyone likes me and I'm sitting here thinking how must Emma Watson feel with such a loyal following. Does it make her strive to be an even better person every day? Does she feel insecure about all the appreciation and how suddenly one day it may all vanish? Does it make her question the validity of the positive feelings people have for her? Does it make her vain and arrogant in a secretive way that we wouldn't find out? Does it overwhelm her? Because that is what love, appreciation, kindness, care, affection and friendships do to you. They confuse you. The so called warmth that you feel when a friend hugs you is momentary. Lasts a day, a week perhaps. Then you're back to questioning if she really cares about you because she didn't wish you good luck for a job interview that you were so excited about. You question the genuineness of the people you work with because they seem to remember you only when they need your help. But you have had fun times with them. Then you can't help but think of all the people you prayed for including your best friend and family. And how almost none of them would have the time to say hello or even think about you. Now this is something I never understood. People being so busy that they never have time for anything. Well. Again, back to listing the ever changing feelings. I didn't want to sound bitter; I probably did. And I'm not advising against relationships. I'm just saying this is what life is made of mostly, if you observe closely. Ironies, dichotomies, polarities, confusions and uncertainties. It sucks. Mark my words. I hate that life is like this or rather my mind works this way. I hate that I feel like I don't know anything about anything. I hate that its all grey, not black and white. I don't have that one person/soul mate/BFF to go confide all intimate details in. Some people come close. But no one knows everything that's going on in my mind. Call it protection from vulnerability or self preservation or lack of effort or even laziness. But what I realize is that we need to be badass at self acceptance despite all this. What else would you or could you do? It may or may not be some golden rule for achieving true happiness or whatever, but the only way to inner peace. Any day, I'd choose inner peace.

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