15 May 2016

Searching, waiting, longing

It is quite possible that binge watching Sex and the City clips on YouTube made me do this - write a post after 3 long years. But I have been thinking about writing for some time now.

So here I am. Single, alone and anxious. Sitting at my desk in a mediocre one bedroom apartment, not actually having a productive Sunday. Thinking if I have bipolar disorder. Wondering why I can never seem to wake up early and go for a run or how I'm going to finish all the things I have to do to complete my thesis, whether I actually like it or am I just fooling myself that I can research, dreading the hour long wait at the laundry to wash my clothes because I ran out of clothes to wear, checking my email and Facebook far too often, thinking about the recent conversations I have been having with old and new friends, questioning the small and big decisions I made so far. Is this what I signed up for? I honestly did think it was going to be better than this waiting and longing. Waiting for week to start and throw all its unpleasantness and bad surprises at us so that we feel like warriors on a Friday evening, waiting for the weekend to start so that we can drink and sulk about the week that's literally an impending doom, waiting for that email from the company you interviewed at, waiting for a text, email or a phone call from that one person when the phone would go 'cling!', waiting for it to get very late in the afternoon so that it can actually motivate you to make lunch, the list just goes on.

How do some people actually live in the moment and truly enjoy the present? Is it even possible or are they in denial? Can we really change the way we look at things and process them after a certain age? If you're a realist, pragmatist or even a defeatist, can you even console a friend in pain that there is hope and everything is going to be ok? It is so strange that despite knowing that far too many things are out of our control, we still try to take control of things. Our work, health, relationships, money. I guess its the only way to move forward with 'forward' being a mere direction with respect to time and not quality of life. Self discovery is the ultimate work in progress.

No comments:

Post a Comment