Life has changed. So much that I cant tell how much.But thats the only point of it, I realise. I am not in the mood to talk about anything in particular.Its one of those sober and philosophical sunday nights - I am feeling both tensed and excited about the week that will start teasing me in three minutes. The feeling sometimes is so intense that I mindlessly mumble about how pathetic sundays are. Not only they give way to Monday,sundays also mean cleaning the house and grocery shopping.Two not-so-pleasing things.Not long ago,I didn't have this anti-sunday attitude.Those were days when nothing really mattered.
GCT-Coimbatore was probably one of the few good decisions in my life. I refused to even look at the screen that showed the list of private colleges available to me, on my engineering counselling day. All I was thinking was I should not burden my parents with a Rs.50,000 fee a year & an outrageous 10,000 for the damned college bus. Infact I wasnt thinking about anything but that. Just get into a government college and swim your way out.
Life there was something like I imagined,at times severer than I had. They say,when you look back at your tears,you would laugh and looking back on those laughs you had,would make you cry. The latter, I agree with. But those tears shed on confused relationships in college,Im not sure I can afford a hearty laugh at that.
Things happen and most of the times,you dont know why.You can never understand why friends as thick as thieves,drift away too far and the relationship shrinks to a mere facebook contact.You can never understand why some friends can never feel comfortable with each other again. But,thats the whole point of it. I dont know whats better - getting candid answers or getting nothing :)
Work immediately after college is good, in a way only. You probably figure out more about yourself when you are jobless or struggling to get a job-in short, when you are lost. But I did feel special.Made my inaugural flight journey to TCS training in Trivandrum.One-of-a-kind feeling!
I then had my own small world.With almost 12 hours of work each day, happy weekends with Mom and family,my sweet little Aadhil to play with when I was home - Life was almost perfect. I did enjoy the mechanical nature of it. Well,those were the days when I wasnt prejudiced to sundays,,and who would ever be,if everyone had someone called Mother to take care of the house while you just worked,ate & played :) But coming to think of it-that was probably just the beginning of a monotony,a period when I probably didn't realise it.
Now in the US,I am not who I was..to a certain extent at least. Things have changed. Diametrically,at that.
Worries start right from what-to-cook to why-isnt-there-more-time. Its worries about career,money,family-the future basically.It feels like worries and decisions everywhere. Being at home without a job isnt something fatal-but its limiting in a country like America. This might sound astonishing or even silly - I feel a bit nervous when I look at anyone's facebook profile these days. Its saddening for me to see them doing a Masters in some American University or working here in America. It was my decision to not do a Masters when that was what my dad wanted me to do.I quit my job,that was my decision too.But the feeling,isnt really explicable.
At the end of the day,I am learning. Probably more than I ever did. Because everything around me is much more complex and thicker for me to comprehend easily.There are several layers of responsibilities now.Things definitely seem easy and amicable when I share a too-stupid-to-laugh-joke with my husband and both of us end up giggling for 20 minutes. When we plan vacations together,when we decide on a weekend movie together,when we call each other by funny names ,when he does the grocery by himself,when makes me a surprise breakfast, when he buys me a surprise samosa or cutlet - nothing seems tough. Its probably this guy who keeps me going most of the times.
Hope is probably the best thing to have. Change is the next best thing.